And another update

Well, I made it.  Through a Christmas without the family...and it was actually really okay.  It was completely unlike any tradition I had in my family and it was a lot of fun.  Chinese on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day was full of gifts and movies.  There was no pressure to be ready to go somewhere.  I miss not being at Aunt Bonnie's for Christmas, but it was lovely to just relax and hang out.  I feel like I'm a part of the family now, and that's really, really very exciting.  The ex's family was lovely, and I loved them very much, but I didn't really feel like I belonged sometimes.  They went some extreme lengths to make me feel welcome (basically made a guest room for me, that later they called "my room"), but I still felt off.   I always felt welcome, but that's it.  I didn't feel like the unit.   Blahblahblah, right?  I don't want anyone thinking that I didn't enjoy my time at that beautiful home on Waverly....they were amazing to me when they liked me.  They really are great people, I'm just sorry that things ended in such a hostile state.  Ick.  Hostility and seething anger makes my skin crawl.

I find that there is a lot of that in KC.  I need to get out of here, but we all suffer for a reason, right?  Right?  Probably not.  But I like to remain optimistic like that.  If anything, Kansas City has taught me that I need to grow up and realize that there are some awful people out there.  And I will inevitably find them, and somehow befriend them, and then piss them off so that their true natures shine through.  Why do I pick such shitty friends sometimes?

I'm glad 2010 is over.   This post is all over, I realize that, but I'm just kinda letting things out....so deal.  2010 was great for some things.  I found my independence (even though I was kind of thrust into it), I found my voice, and I stood up for myself when I knew it was going to make a LOT of people angry.  A lot of people still haven't forgiven me for my choice to get the divorce....but it is my life, and it was for the best.  William and I now have a beautiful friendship again...which is what I really missed when the marriage went south.  Even more awesome than that is the fact that my best friend (who happened to be married to me for a while) is really good friends with my boyfriend.  I just may be the happiest girl on the planet for that.  

But yeah. 2010 was bad.  My last month in the year was awful.  The doctor at my clinic passed away...in a fashion that left us asking why.  Wondering why a 43 year old is no longer with us.  He was an amazing man, and I'm sorry to have had to say goodbye.  We still have patients trickling in, unknowing about the passing, and they all react strongly.  Some feign outrage at the fact that he's gone and have a ridiculously dramatic ten minutes of "I can't believe it!" followed by the most absurd string of noises I've ever heard.  Sometimes its sobbing, sometimes they hum in short, descending bursts, sometimes they just cover their mouths and look at me to gauge if I believe their shock or not....if I don't seem like I have, their eyes widen more, and they do all sorts of disjointed, sudden movements.  All in all, I hate being the one to have to break it to them, when sometimes I start weeping all over again.  I'm tired of re-living the loss every day.  I need a vacation.

2011 is going to be better, I've decided.  I'm going back to school...hopefully moving out of this awful neighborhood and moving up north to where I'd like to be.  I'm hopefully going to pay off my car....which means I won't be living paycheck to paycheck quite as often as I do now.  I'm going to be a better girlfriend to this amazing man in my life (who has stuck by me through every awful thing that's happened last year, who puts up with my ridiculous moodswings and freak outs, who has been the most considerate and understanding person I've met, and who has just farted and blamed it on me T_T).  I'm going to budget better (or try to), and I'm going to try and be as positive as I can.  Last year was very negative for me.  That needs to change this go around.  Also?  The Kinect and I are going to be very close this year.  

All in all, I've learned some really important lessons (or they just smacked me in the face in a very "I told you so" fashion).  

1- life is short.  Unbelievably so, sometimes....we can't really afford the grand wastes of time being unhappy.

2- I'm stronger than I could have ever thought possible.  I told my husband, family, and friends about the fact that I wanted/was getting a divorce, even though I knew I would lose everything.  I sat in wait for months before I worked up the courage.

3- I've got a brilliant support team behind me.  Regardless of if they really understand my reasoning, they always are there to help me back up and on my way.  I am so blessed to have my family and Sean's family behind me.  And all the friends that decided to stick around.  Thank you all so much.  You have no idea how much I have appreciated having someone there while I fumbled in the terrifying dark, I never once felt truly alone.

4- Money sucks.  And I'll never have it.

5- Maybe getting married at 21 was a bad idea.  I'll never do it again.  But in all seriousness--I realize what a dumbass I was to move ahead with such a gargantuan step when I really wasn't ready.  If I get married again, it'll be after much consideration.  No doubts.  No room for error.  None of that. 

6-Writing long blog posts like this is a great deterrent from my xanga.   Because I know you all want to read a novel instead of a quick entry.

So thank you.  If you are reading this, thank you Grandma and Grandpa (for being there in my darkest hours and helping me pick myself up every time), Sean (for being so understanding and for loving me.  It's a hard thing to do sometimes, and you do it gracefully every day), William (for not giving a shit about what others say about talking to me.  I'm so very glad I have you back.  I missed my best friend.  Hang out with Sean and I is NECESSARY), Amy (for not killing me when I announced the divorce...and not completely disowning me when I told you.  I know I'm an idiot.  Thanks for being supportive regardless), Pam and Steve (for accepting me so fully and wonderfully as part of the crew.  You guys are my saving grace.  Without you two, I don't know where I'd be at all.  I am more grateful for all that you've done for me than I can ever express), and everyone else--because my eyes are tired and I'll come back to this later with more names--you guys just kick ass.

I am the luckiest girl on the planet.

<3

Traditions

I'm listening to the Faint today.  Winter makes me all sorts of sulky, and you can't properly sulk with such upbeat Omaha awesomeness.  And I've taken my medicine for my back (because today the pain was so crippling I sat upright in the middle of the night in tears).  And it gets me really loopy.  This is what I imagine being high is like--my mind wanders all sorts of places and rarely lingers for a second.  I hate how it feels, really, the inability to focus bugs me.  It's keeping me from properly doing my job on Stalkbook.  T_T

However, I came here to write what's been on my mind since last night.  Holidays are always unreasonably tough for me.  I don't really understand why I have to spend so much time regretting things.  This year I will not be making it home--simply for the fact that I cannot afford it.  Last year, I tried absconding to Omaha (k. maybe not absconding....it wasn't very secretive--I just love that word) and was snowed in for a week (if I remember correctly).  I had to call into work every one of those days...and I was terrified that I wouldn't have a job when I came back.  I need this job.  But this leads to regrets.

My grandfather is my hero.  If you know me, you know that.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt, my favorite memories of him are ALWAYS Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve, we all pile in the car and drive up to the Mondamin Methodist and prepare for an amazing service of music that has been tradition with my grandfather for years before my time, I think.  The man has an amazingly deep voice and he plays the organ--quite brilliantly together, I might add.  My favorite Christmas songs get covered that night, and before we sing Silent Night as a congregation (with candles and all the lights off), my mother and grandfather always sing O Holy Night, a song that I cannot help but sing every year.  At least a couple of times a day during the holiday season.  I haven't been to one in years....it feels like 7 but 5 is probably closer to the truth.  Last year I attempted to make it up for the service, but grandpa and grandma had cleverly stayed in that night (the snow was terrible.)  THIS is what makes Christmas.  MY Christmas.  My family's Christmas.  These are always the fondest of memories.  And as my grandmother reminds me constantly, these moments aren't going to last forever.  My grandparents will not always be here for me.  What if this year is the last chance I have?  The thought alone instantly brings stupid, stinging tears to my eyes.  

Last night, my boyfriend's family decorated their Christmas tree, and let me be a part of the festivities.  The gesture is beyond kind, my traditions are in a different state, 4 hours away (and even then it would be incomplete because the rest of the fam in Colorado wouldn't be there) so it's amazing that they would share theirs.  Afterwards we all sat down and finished up a movie on the couch and I realized how fully homesick I was.  I miss home the most this time of year.  This is the most important time of the year to me--all of my favorite memories center around the holiday season.  I realized that my traditions I can't even call my own anymore.  I've done without them for the past 5 years or so.  And that's unsettling to me.  What happens when my grandparents aren't around anymore?  All of my traditions will be lost forever.  No longer will I hear grandpa sing in the church.  No longer will I sit with my grandmother with a cup of coffee and listen to the Cambridge Singers.  All I will have to remember all of these rich traditions are the ornaments that my grandfather always gives us as gifts, and the CDs that we listen to every Christmas morning.

This idea is very upsetting.  I had a major breakdown last night, sobbing on the way home.  It was ridiculous. I wish that the holidays could be a fun time like it used to.  Now it's up to me to start building new traditions so that my world doesn't go into major shock when these ones change or cease to be.  

Where to start?

I can't sleep

I can't sleep.  I can't even close my eyes anymore.  I wish I wouldn't do this so often.  Why can't I sleep in?  I went to bed at midnight and woke up, perfectly alert, at 6.30something.  THIS IS NOT OKAY.  T_T  Especially not on my day off, dammit.  I hate when my body doesn't get the memo.  So, because I can't sleep I'm posting in hopes that it will make my eyes tired.

I keep realizing every day that I am one of the luckiest girls on the planet.  Or people, whatever.  I've been reading xanga posts for the last half hour of people with miserable experiences.  I've lived through crippling heartache, some awful breakups, that "I really like this kid but he'll never notice me", some moments when I've felt so completely alone that the silence was terrifying. But maybe it's because they are so in the moment, so in their heads that they don't see that there's light just shortly beyond the darkness.  I seriously was terrified for the longest time that I ruined my life before it could really kick off.  I got married young, it failed, I dropped out of school, I moved to probably the second/third worst part of Kansas City (really.  People have broken in here.  They watch us like hawks), and started working at a job that takes SO MUCH out of me.  Everyone says that last bit, I think.  Everyone does this at least once.  I'm trying to be an adult with a good work ethic, because I don't have an education to show for it (what an idiot I am.), and this place takes and takes from me.  I walk in and it's an obvious shift in demeanor.  I've set a standard of being a hard worker who does these things without being asked, but I'm spreading myself too thin.  I can't stop working as hard as I did originally, though, because I don't want them to think I'm lazy.  What a dilemma!

In any event, I mentioned a second chance.  Recently I was put in a situation that was unfortunate but made so many things possible.  I was in a car accident.  My back is all sorts of out of shape (typical.  I work at a chiro's office.) I have a dislocated rib head, meaning the cartilage connecting one of my ribs to my vertebra is has snapped, leaving the rib to randomly, say, get out of place and push underneath my skeletal muscles.  This is not a comfortable thing, friends, and worst thing is: it's chronic.  For the rest of my life, I will have an unruly rib that decides it's not keeping the best of company and separates itself from the rest.  For the record, I hate you rib.  But because of the accident, a claim has been established and there will be a settlement. Now before you think I am an awful person who's doing this for money--I assure you that I did NOT want to even consider setting up a claim until I went to work that day.  And I worked a full day alone, my back was on FIRE.  Day off--then Monday the coworker was gone, so I worked another full shift alone, and Tuesday the same.   By Monday night the pain was awful, I felt sick and dizzy, my back was stiff and in a ton of pain, so I caved.  But this settlement, depending on how much is awarded to me, can change my life right now.  I could pay off my car and no longer have 300 dollars every month going toward that.  I could pay off school and no longer have to worry about that....and I could go BACK.  I could go back to school and start to finish my education.

Before I thought that this was impossible.  I'd never have enough money raised in time to start taking classes again and have school paid off.  I'd never make steps to improve my life on this grand of a scale.  But here I am, getting ready to go get my transcript from UCM/CMSU (always CMSU in my heart) today, and tomorrow signing up for at least a couple of online classes.  What luck.  I'm working on fighting my way out of hell, and it doesn't seem as daunting as it did before.

And my final reason for being lucky is because of that boy.  Every day I'm astounded by the luck to even have him in my life as a friend--let alone be in a relationship with him.  He's amazingly patient--all of you who actually know me, know I make unreasonable demands, that I'm taxing, that I am unbelievably selfish sometimes--and he just sighs, takes my hand, and helps me through everything I'm battling.  There was a week when I had no money...I don't remember what I had to pay off, but because I had no money, I had no food.  I was starving, I hadn't gone grocery shopping before this loss of money, so I had nothing.  He and his parents were delightful and fed me if I went up to their house, but I couldn't afford gas.  He showed up, made me promise not to get mad, and opened his trunk to a trunk full of things to eat for that week.  He really saved me, I wondered how I would have made it besides.  And he loves me just as much as I love him.  We both have moments where we have that breathless wonder of "how did I get this lucky?  God, I love him/her"  It's amazing.  It's beautiful and unlike anything I've encountered before.  He's hilarious, gorgeous (he has the most GORGEOUS china blue eyes, really, next time you see him, look at them), he's unbelievably sweet, and dear God is he loyal and faithful.  I'll never worry about him cheating.  It's amazing how much love I have for him (I didn't think my heart could hold that much AND still support the love for my amazingly supportive family).  He's great.  I love him.  And for once I'm not concerned about my future, or what's going to happen to us--I'm just going to let it happen and not stress (good thing that came from this wedding--there's none of that desperation to get married that everyone experiences in relationships, I've been through it once, I'd be content to never do it again ;]).  

I'm just going to relax and let my feet/heart/brain lead me to where I'm meant to be and work like mad to make it happen. 

Angry

I'm angry today.

I woke up freezing because the fan was on, my mouth tasted like stomach acid and my throat was that itchy-scratchy-know-I'm-gonna-be-sick-soon awful feeling.  I called to see what the status was on the divorce.  They lost the papers for a while.  And so now the court date is in March.  MARCH.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I thought this was going to be done in 45 days or around there.  March is when my darling boyfriend and I have been together for a year.  I don't want to sully that with court dates and last minute deals.  Ugh.  And then there was the misunderstanding with my boss as to an hour of pay.  By misunderstanding I mean I flipped out.  I didn't work yesterday.  I came in for a treatment and HOORAY we're slammed so I clock on for the hour I'm there (after being promised overtime) and work for them.  Today I find out I'm getting paid my regular check.  No extra hour.  No overtime.  But I fixed it.  Throwing a fit sometimes works. FYI

This place frustrates me so much sometimes.  I hate being angry all the time, cringing when I walk into work.  I feel myself tense up immediately.  I want my happy self back, all the time.  Not just when I'm with the boyfriend.  I wonder, is this even achievable in adult life?  However.  I know these things happen for a reason.  Every single step I have taken is not without purpose--and I see proof of that all the time.  I know working a job that makes me miserable will work out in the end.  Maybe this is just a lesson to make me appreciate what I've got.  I don't know how life works.  But I'm trying to learn more every day.

As for things happening for a reason--the boyfriend and I got into a discussion about this.  He believes ardently in Karma but that fate is ridiculous.  That we forge our own destinies and nothing is predetermined.  I believe that Karma is an unfair idea....no matter how much positive energy I try pouring into the universe I seem to get smacked in the face with negative.  Whatever.  But I think that we have free will in the way we weave our path in life...however, there are a few destinations we are meant to see--our paths will eventually lead us to them. 

I am tired of writing and getting bored.  This post was headed somewhere.  I'll revisit it later.

Updates, updates, updates!

It has been a while, faceless tens, I don't even need to tell you.  And a LOT has happened since I posted last.  Xanga, I cheated on you (for a short period of time) with Tumblr, but honestly I hate the layout.  I hate not receiving feedback..though chances are no one even uses Xanga anymore.  However: this has been such a steady place to pool my thoughts (which filter into memories).  It's really funny looking back and seeing how much my life and my voice has changed.  I have done a lot of growing...and I don't think I'm done yet.  I kind of really like the idea of pushing all my thoughts here, so I can look back and read it to see how I've changed.

A lot has happened.  Heartache, strength, love, stupidity.  This has been a pretty complete year.  

The marriage failed (surprised?  Yeah.  Me too).  But I need to stop being so harsh on myself about it.  We were best friends, that is what I love and cherished in William, and the marriage ripped that out of our relationship.  I loathed and despised coming home to him and I know he felt the same way.  I remember rock bottom was when I drove home wondering if I ran my car off the road would warrant any worry or concern on his part.  NO I'm not suicidal.  It was more of a matter of fact sort of thing.  Like when your parents denied you something you really REALLY wanted and when you were sent to your room you had a fleeting, vindictive thought of "But if I died I'd bet they'd regret it."  In any event, I lost so much of myself.  I grew depressed, angry, distant.  I stopped trying.  I stopped loving.  I forgot what I loved doing, I was so afraid of the fights we'd have that I made myself stay home--KILLED my social life in its entirety.  I would sit around inside, hating my life.  Hating that I had ruined this friendship.  Hated that I knew I couldn't EVER have the strength to stand up for myself and walk away.  My heart still has pangs of regret for all the wasted time.

I felt so ashamed that I couldn't keep this marriage together.  I felt dirty and disgusting because I couldn't even own up to my shortcomings to my family.  The people that will always love and be there for you no matter what travesty you think you have committed.  I felt like I had to be the sorriest excuse for a wife to come home and resent my husband so much that being in the same room with him was painful.  I could feel my heart twist and my stomach turn to knots the MINUTE I walked in the door.  How absurd!  It's almost laughable how this MAJOR decision, meant to make the rest of our lives blissful, created pure hell for me.   However, one night I woke up in the middle of the night and decided "I'm telling everyone."  The next day, I did.

I don't remember calling my mom to tell her that I thought I was going to get a divorce.  I don't remember how I said it.  I remember crying on my bed for hours while he was at work, clutching the phone and dialing numbers over and over.  I remember sobbing so much that my throat felt like it was going to fall out, so laden with the weight of complete pain and anguish.  I remember wondering what it would be like to just walk away without telling anyone.  Just disappearing.  I remember so much that day that the actual event was erased.  Will came home that night and I think I made him dinner.  It was such a significant moment.  I had released this HORRIBLE secret I was holding, and all I had to do was tell him.  God, I wish that was easier.  It turned into a screaming match.  Thrown golf club, the fight transpired through a couple of rooms.  I always wonder if I did any real damage to the door frames with all of the slamming.  My voice was so hoarse the next day, but the point had made it out...at least slightly. We needed at least a separation.  I needed to find a way to calmly say "I value your friendship more than this stupid promise that is KILLING us."  It took a while.  I took a long while to find a way. But finally it happened and he agreed.  Everything started to return to normal.  The resentment and hatred turned to awkwardness and silence.  We didn't scream, but mostly whispered...as if any major sound would bring attention to our plight.  Then I moved out, and our friendship flourished.  We text all the time, we talk randomly.  I have my best friend back.  This is much more important to me than any promise we have broken.  This is it. 

Another main change was living on my own.  I'm awful at it.  I have learned this.  I feel like I have the same 'tortured soul' problem as most of the artists of our day.  I understand why people hate being alone.  I don't function well--alone time means thinking.  And thinking means being unsure of what type of person I am.  Realizing regrets.  Understanding flaws.  It's really a terrible time.  That's why I've taken up blogging.  Maybe...just maybe some sort of creative outpour will make me feel less helpless and pathetic.  Probably not, though.  Maybe this blog will be excellent memoir material when I die at the ripe old age of 103 1/2. Doubtful.

The last change is something that I'm debating on even discussing.  But this is a blog, and I must remain true to myself.  My biggest fear is that people read this and compare it to my other posts about past boyfriends and see a trend.  I don't want to say the ever-expected "This is different" because of course it is.  But I don't know where the future will lead.  And he definitely deserves more than what I've typed in the past.  I've started dating again.  For almost 9 months now, I've been with an exceptional man.  He's brilliant, funny, the biggest sweetheart when the worst was happening.  He's just disgustingly great.  I hate being a girl who gushes.  Blog-gushing makes my skin crawl a little less, but out loud?  NO WAY!  And this kid has me doing it constantly.  I have to be careful, given the situation I'm in, I know that no one takes my personal life seriously--especially when it comes to love.  And quite frankly, I don't blame them.  I was so sure the last time, and was devastated as it crumbled, and caught fire in my hands.  So I'm going to be careful with how I speak about him and DEFINITELY avoid cliches AT ALL COSTS.

However, here's the deal.  I'm genuinely happy.  Under his beautiful care, I'm beginning to be myself again.  Just know I'm smiling, laughing, and healing while being loved unconditionally.  It's amazing and unlike I've ever felt before.  For once I feel like the feelings I'm putting out are being reciprocated...

...and that makes every ounce of heartache I've encountered worth it.